The other day, I discovered that someone had used a Facebook comment that I made about relationships in an article about dating advice. See said article here.
Ironically, and somewhat hilariously, I recently became single after a 3 year relationship. As you can imagine, I’m drinking quite solidly at the moment and generally being a bit of bellend. I mean, I did the dumping, but I’m wallowing in self-pity and having an existential crisis.
So I thought I would compose some musings on dating / relationships and basically what I’ve learnt about love in my mere 26 years on this planet. I mean, I’m no expert, but I feel I can impart wisdom by showing people what NOT to do. What can I say, I’m a giver.
1. Don’t go to university with a boyfriend / girlfriend
It won’t last. And if it does, you’ll both end up resenting each other. Probably. I just know I went to uni with a boyfriend and let’s just say it didn’t take me long to see what else was out there.
2. Don’t immediately get another boyfriend / girlfriend after dumping previous boyfriend / girlfriend
It’s probably better to stay single for a bit after the pre-uni relationship break-up, rather than rushing straight into another long term relationship with the university halls’ eye candy.
It’s also probably better to stay single for a decent time period after the end of any relationship. Taking my own advice at the moment.
3. Don’t be with someone who calls you ’embarrassing’
I mean, I know I am, but I don’t need to be told. I worked that shit out a while ago.
With this point, I basically mean don’t sacrifice who you are for someone else, which I think is pretty standard advice, but we often forget about it. I might have a loud, obnoxious laugh and swear like a trooper, but these things are part of me and I ain’t changing anything for anyone.
4. Don’t ignore your friends
You’ll need them for support and nights out when you become single again.
5. Don’t rush into dating again
So when I split up with my most recent boyfriend, I immediately downloaded Tinder again, after 3 years of disuse. I’ve never been on a Tinder date and purely use the app for an ego boost and if I’m bored. Hey, I’m just being honest.
But I started speaking to a fellow SEO executive on Tinder quite soon after the split. I swiped right because of his job title and then the SEO jokes were flying. Who knew us digital marketers could have so much banter. Amazing. We moved the conversation onto Whatsapp (big deal apparently) and then he asked me on a date. I said yes, panicked and bailed on him. I am now ‘ghosting’ him, I think? Or in Laymen’s terms, I’m ignoring him because I don’t want to ‘date’ and I ran out of SEO related dating puns.
6. Don’t worry about your ‘number’
It doesn’t mean anything. Or so I’ve been told.
7. Don’t worry in general
Recently, I’ve been thinking about the fact that I am not longer the most important person to someone. Not to anyone. My mum and dad have each other, my brother has his boyfriend, friends have other people etc etc etc. So technically, if nuclear war broke out tomorrow (pretty certain it will, what with North Korea / Trump), there would be no one who would make sure I was with them, so we could have our last breath together.
I mean, that’s quite a depressing thought. I am no one’s first choice. It’s just me.
What was my point? Oh yeah, don’t worry about all that. You’ll be dead anyway.